Breathe

I have  been experimenting with "snapshots" of moments in a poem where i give ten minutes to free write without editing, then i grab a colourful pen to cross out parts that seem to over detail the poem and what i'm trying to say.  The outcome is hopefully one sentence which attempts to create an image, a moment and a place.

The original (Terrible blackberry quality photo and typed):

Holding hands as tight
as cement between pavement slabs;
dragging themselves for another drag
on menthol cigarettes out of
parted mouths. They sat
on the tops of cities, bare feet hanging
down, half awake eyes
scrutinizing the sunrise
while blowing the smoke out of their lungs.



What was left after the green editing pen got crossing out happy. (Again terrible picture quality, My apologies)

Menthol cigarettes out of
parted mouths. They sat
on the tops of cities
scrutinizing the sunrise
blowing the smoke.




Finally, I swapped some of the words around to create a more linear structure to the snapshot. However, it could be argued that the original order made it more fragmentary and as if it is a memory snapshot! This was the finished poem, even if it is a little one.


They sat on the tops of cities,
scrutinizing the sunrise, blowing the smoke
of menthol cigarettes out of parted mouths.